A Funny Thing Happened to Me On The Way to Validation
So, today my results came. And my record with exams held fast.
This is my part 2, literature. I improved from my part 1 (which isn’t saying much to begin with). But I find it hard to have any bright expectations for any exam anymore. See I am not a good student. The way I see it I am an underachiever. It seems that that fact hurts more than just being bad. Its always been like this. Or at least ever since class 7. before that I was mediocre, enjoying only class 1,2 as high points. But it was when I shifted to delhi in class 7 that I really came down. I can justify that now…impressionable age, new place…fat bong guy being put into a huge big co-ed school (I was in a boy’s school before that from 3-6) with nothing to fall back on. Sure, that was scary. Its understandable now.
But what about after that? Classes 10, 11 12? Where was I then? Enjoying my gained acceptability and growing some roots, never mind if I was a flowering plant or not. Unconscious I guess. I mean where do one consciously let oneself slip? Though my father often asked me if I ever deliberately performed below my capabilities to duck expectations. What could I say to that? I kept quiet. I disagreed.
I scraped through class 12. but things worked out funny. I always believed I was sincere in my work (not studies, but extra-curriculars – even here I was not academically inclined, I was more the helper to the organizers, and not a debater or anything). I could write a bit also. Confidence from there saw me through the eca quota in a good college, although I later found out my being accepted was luck, just because some other guy shifted and I filled the gap. But a gift horse is a gift horse.
I do well now, but only where it doesn’t count. I think. I say. But I cannot put it on paper when it counts. I also do. I’m active in college activities also, or at least I used to be, until someone started shining brighter. And I am not good here where it counts either. I cannot take work, and I cannot show working. I am told these are essential qualities. Just as I was told today that giving an examination is an art that needs to be mastered (I told her I’d try and learn the rules). Thing is, I thought I did the right things this time. I studied was exam-oriented, I completed my papers which is otherwise a problem with me. My mistake…I expected great marks, let myself in for a fall.
But I don’t worry much. Even if I fall, yet I hope, because somewhere in me is this dumb confidence. Somewhere I believe in my integrity and that great things are going to come my way. I’m preparing for CAT now…somewhere I have this completely misplaced notion that I’ll do well here and shine. And even after that I’ll keep shining, I wont burn out.
Even today I did okay…I got 56. problem is, that still puts me in the bottom half of my prodigal class. Unfortunately, that matters.
This is my part 2, literature. I improved from my part 1 (which isn’t saying much to begin with). But I find it hard to have any bright expectations for any exam anymore. See I am not a good student. The way I see it I am an underachiever. It seems that that fact hurts more than just being bad. Its always been like this. Or at least ever since class 7. before that I was mediocre, enjoying only class 1,2 as high points. But it was when I shifted to delhi in class 7 that I really came down. I can justify that now…impressionable age, new place…fat bong guy being put into a huge big co-ed school (I was in a boy’s school before that from 3-6) with nothing to fall back on. Sure, that was scary. Its understandable now.
But what about after that? Classes 10, 11 12? Where was I then? Enjoying my gained acceptability and growing some roots, never mind if I was a flowering plant or not. Unconscious I guess. I mean where do one consciously let oneself slip? Though my father often asked me if I ever deliberately performed below my capabilities to duck expectations. What could I say to that? I kept quiet. I disagreed.
I scraped through class 12. but things worked out funny. I always believed I was sincere in my work (not studies, but extra-curriculars – even here I was not academically inclined, I was more the helper to the organizers, and not a debater or anything). I could write a bit also. Confidence from there saw me through the eca quota in a good college, although I later found out my being accepted was luck, just because some other guy shifted and I filled the gap. But a gift horse is a gift horse.
I do well now, but only where it doesn’t count. I think. I say. But I cannot put it on paper when it counts. I also do. I’m active in college activities also, or at least I used to be, until someone started shining brighter. And I am not good here where it counts either. I cannot take work, and I cannot show working. I am told these are essential qualities. Just as I was told today that giving an examination is an art that needs to be mastered (I told her I’d try and learn the rules). Thing is, I thought I did the right things this time. I studied was exam-oriented, I completed my papers which is otherwise a problem with me. My mistake…I expected great marks, let myself in for a fall.
But I don’t worry much. Even if I fall, yet I hope, because somewhere in me is this dumb confidence. Somewhere I believe in my integrity and that great things are going to come my way. I’m preparing for CAT now…somewhere I have this completely misplaced notion that I’ll do well here and shine. And even after that I’ll keep shining, I wont burn out.
Even today I did okay…I got 56. problem is, that still puts me in the bottom half of my prodigal class. Unfortunately, that matters.
posted by Sumit at 7:06 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home