Hysteria

Hysteria

Why me? Why now?

It was so perfect in all the rehearsals. I did it day and night. I put all I could into it. Oh, why? why? Why?!

No, wait. It’s okay. I can do this. I was born to do this. I am good at this; no … I am the best at this. I Am the Best at this. Just calm down and think. I’ve done this just about a zillion times, so it must be there somewhere. Now think.

But how can I think like this? Why have they made it so damn tough? Turn those lights down, please. They are blinding me. They don’t let me see clearly. It’s like the sun, it hurts. And it’s so hot, so very hot. At least a hundred degrees, here, now. At least a hundred. The room is shimmering. It’s moving. Its closing in. It’s squeezing me, it wont let me breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Deep breaths. Calm down its okay. There’s time. But, how much time? It time enough? Is it enough?

And them? They who are waiting for me. What about them? Are they here to cheer me or censure me? One slip and I’ve lost them. In fact, I’ve lost everything. But, that cant be. What off everything else? Will everything come to nothing? Will something like this ruin everything? Everything>? But, that’s not fair. And I wont let that happen. I wont.

Ha. I can’t even see them. They should be nothing to me, and I – everything. But, that’s not so. I’ve sold myself to them. I see nothing but them. I stand before them, judged by them, ridiculed by them, castrated by them, cheered on by them. Loved by them.

Make love to them …

No, what is the line? In fact, what Is the line? Isn’t it nothing? It surely isn’t, it must be something at last. Or why else would it be? But, surely it isn’t everything. Surely. It isn’t. It mustn’t be. Yes, definitely not, not everything. Not everything. Everything. Thing. Thing. Think … think … think …

Think.

Take it step-by-step. Ease into it. Slowly. Remember the rehearsals. All those times I stood alone in front of the mirror, holding the script. Barking out those words. Think of those words. Think. They will come. They have to come. What was it? Something not something. Something not something. Something not something. These are the climactic lines, these lines mean everything. These are the simplest words. The sweetest words. The strictest words. They obeyed me then, why wont they come to me now? Wretched line, what was it? Something not something. Let me try saying it in my mind.

___ not ___
___ not ___
Something not something.

Oh wait. Something not to something. Yes. Yes. To or not to. Oh, yes! To be or not to be. That’s it. Yes. Its come. That’s the answer. Yes. Yes! Gad damn it, why did I forget? How did I forget? Yes. It’s mine now.

And I don’t think they realized. They didn’t realize. It's not been long. They would still be on the last line I just said. They couldn’t see me. I recovered quickly. Not more than half-a-second. They are just waiting for my line, not judging it. But, its come now. Its mine. And now I will speak it, the most important line. The best line. Wait and see them when I speak it. For it they will love me. For it they will. For it.

“To be or not to be,
That is the question.”